House of Oprah: Our Social Life
by Sailor Blue Monster
Summary: In the parody section. First part of the chronicles of time. It begins with Draco's big mistake and ends with them being captured in the House of Oprah! SPOILER: Jacob dies.
1. Namnlös I: Living Together

Edward was sparkling as usual when he was killed by a MYSTERIOUS PERSON!

At Renesmees house there were TOYS because Jacob was DEAD! Bella refused to tell her daughter because she would be struck by sadness forever! But Bella didn't know that her beloved Edward was also not alive anymore!

Meanwhile Draco was sitting in a couch, pondering. His father was abusing him because it's impossible that his father actually likes him in a story. Draco wondered if maybe he and his mom should escape. They could move to another country, like Azerbaijan. According to rumors there were ice bears there. Draco liked ice bears for some reason but he didn't know why. The magical toaster in the other room was singing: "Do you ever feel like a feather, drifting through the Hogwarts corridor, wanting to leave? Do you ever feel emo and abused like abused emos do, one blow from giving up...?" Draco wondered where that toaster learned those filthy muggle words.

Suddenly his mom entered the room and dragged him out of the house. "We're leaving", she said with a voice sweeter than clouded sandwiches. Draco narrowed his eyes. "We're moving to Hermione Granger's house", she said then. Draco was about to question why but there was no logical reason that would make the plot work so Narcissa refused to answer. They didn't think about apparition so they took a taxi to Forks.

Bella opened the door. "Hi", said Narcissa. "Hi", said Bella. "I am the future Hermione." Draco looked at her with eyes that looked like Sponge bob Square pants. "She has traveled back to the past to prevent the interrupt able", Bella explained like it was actually logical. Draco pretended to understand. "She sent me, her future self, here, and my family here to the house of the past." "Yeah, yeah", Draco said and walked into the house. He wondered why he felt so empty inside when Bella didn't say anything else to him. He could impossibly be in love with her because love at first sight only happens to wizards at the age of seventeen and Draco wasn't seventeen yet, he was only sixteen and a half.

The car industry was pretentious according to the fat guy who will be THE MAIN CHARACTER

**More?**


	2. Namnlös II: Men And Women

**Men and Women – don't even _try _to make this story make sense**

The fat kid had a name. It was not Da Vinci, it was Bella Swan in past life. She was rich and her daddy owned TV and her mother was the queen. So she decided that she would change the world forever by creating a new TV show. She called it The Golden Game of Grotesque but usually just The Game because it sounded very bad ass. She forced Draco and everyone to participate in The Game by locking them into a house she called House of Oprah.

"You will be living here forever ha ha!" she laughed and slammed the door. Future Bella, Renesmee, Narcissa and Draco were all very confused. Draco was staring at Future Bella with wide eyes. She was so pretty. Was it possible that he had his love at first sight six months earlier then estimated by Doctor Ra-moray?

"This house is a labyrinth", Future Bella whined. Draco loved how she was whining. His throat was burning for some reason but she was just going to stand there and watch him burn. But it was okay because he liked being hurt. He began to cry. She was just going to stand there and hear him cry. But it was okay because he loved the way she whined. Draco was confused. Where had he learned such strange sentences? It was like yesterday with the toaster.

"Mummy where is daddy?" Renesmee asked. Future Bella shook her head. "I don't know Renesmee", she responded and kissed her child on its forehead. Draco felt odd. She was not easy to love... why was everything so complicated? Why did she make it so hard for him to love her? Draco let out a shriek. Everyone stared at him but Draco was lost in thought. _What the hell is happening to me_, he asked himself. Himself responded: _Sometimes you love her, sometimes it's her you can't stand._ Draco wondered what was wrong with him. HE WAS TALKING TO HIMSELF EVEN!

"We have to get out of here", Narcissa said. "Draco seems to be going schizophrenic."

"But how?" Future Bella asked. "I don't know that spell that unlocks doors."

"I don't either", Narcissa said. "Maybe... wait, where's Renesmee?"

Future Bella turned around and screamed because her daughter wasn't there. Draco was struck by worry. Somehow he felt much more like a father figure since he saw that child... why was everything so complicated? Why did Bella make it so hard for him to love her...? Draco shuddered. There was something wrong with him today! Why did he want her to love him like a hot ride, thinking about him, doing what he liked. Why did he want her to forget about the world and... Draco screamed: "THIS IS MADNESS!"

"No this is Sparta", Random Russian Dude responded.

Future Bella was crying when she couldn't find her child in the dark house. Then Draco realized that they were in a basement. Where was the stairs that led to the door that would get them out of there he wondered.

"We only have one choice now", Narcissa said. "And that is..."


	3. Namnlös III: What Is Welfare?

"What is it?" Future Bella asked.

"I forgot", Narcissa admitted. Draco wondered what his name was. _Come on idiot, your name is DRACO MALFOY AS USUAL! STOP BEING WEIRD! IT'S DISTURBIA! _Draco wondered what was wrong with him. Why did he feel like this?

"I'm going crazy now", he stated. Narcissa nodded. Draco felt like he was going insane. Then suddenly there was a _BAM _and there was red smoke everywhere. Then a thief grabbed him. Draco screamed and Future Bella reached out her hand and touched his hand for two seconds that Draco thought was incredible. But then there was no time to think about that because the thief dragged him into a secret room. Then the thief took of his mask and it was...!

"_JACOB BLACK_!" Draco screamed. Future Bella was filled with hope because she still loved Jacob Black so she tried to run after them but she tripped and fell over Narcissa.

"No I am Edward Cullen", the thief whispered and then closed the door, ignoring Future Bella's cries for help.

"What is wrong with you?" Draco yelled. "Are you just going to stand there and watch her burn? You know, she actually doesn't love the way you lie..." He blinked.

"I can no longer be with her", Edward said. "That's why Renesmee disappeared."

Draco felt empty inside. That small child he barely knew was gone? That hurt more than the invisible fire that was burning him.

"_I will never love the way you lie_!" Draco yelled and punched Edward in the face. Miraculously, it worked. Dracos eyes widened. How did he hurt a vampire without the vampire being hurt? I mean, how did he hurt a vampire without himself being hurt?

"Then I will stand there and watch you burn anyway!" Edward yelled. And then the Poly juice potion stopped working and it was shown that he was actually Mike Newton! "Did you actually think I was a muggle?" He asked and laughed and used his wand to create fire. Draco began to cry.

"So, do you like the way it hurts?" Mike Newton asked and chuckled evilly.

"YURUSANAI!" Draco yelled. There was a flash of light and Mike Newton died. Draco blinked and then turned around and saw his minions Crabbe and Goyle with Harry Potter.

"Minions!" Draco screamed and tried to hug them, but then he remembered that even though they were locked in this weird House of Oprah he was still awesome so he couldn't possibly show love towards his minions.

"They are my minions now, Draco", Harry said with a smile. "We are the new SILVER TRIO!" They all raised their arms and displayed their bad-ass magical swords with diamonds decorated all over them. Draco almost came when he saw that. "Now, my minions", Harry told Crabbe and Goyle. "We have to defeat the reincarnation of Evil that created this Golden Game of Grotesque!"

"Wait!" Draco yelled, suddenly with wisdom.

"It's just the way the game is played Draco", Harry said. "It's better if you just wait for your turn, once we have died in the heroic battle there will be a new master. You may swing away if you are feeling brave." Draco blinked.

"Don't you know?" Harry asked. "You are one of the Eleven Masters, there is much power in your name."

"Were you the voice I heard in my head today?" Draco asked.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Voice in your head? No!"

"Good because I will stay in and move around very low", Draco said, hoping that the explanation would be so weird that Harry wouldn't ask more questions. Harry shrugged and summoned a flying bus and he and his minions left.

"Good luck Silver Trio", Draco said with a whisper. Then Future Bella showed up, wearing a freaky dress. Draco gasped.

"My brain is being taken over by the reincarnation of Evil that created this, the Golden Game of Grotesque", Future Bella whispered. "The Jupiter star is..." Then the Jupiter planet symbol appeared on her forehead and she began to scream.

Draco grabbed her arms. "Listen, it's easy for a good girl to become bad and once they are gone they are gone forever and I won't let that happen!" Then he kissed Future Bella.

The power of love made the reincarnation of Evil disappear from her brain but Draco didn't stop kissing her. Future Bella kissed him too but then she remembered that she was in love and married and everything so she stopped the kisses and ran away.

"FUTURE BELLA!" Draco yelled and ran after her. Future Bella was crying. Oddly enough she loved the way it hurted.


	4. Namnlös IV: Social Policy

"We will win against you!" Harry yelled and lifted his sword high up in the air. "And now I will use... _Super Sick Silver Space Sword Sincere Sugar Strike!_" Then he ran towards the reincarnation of Evil but it just used its powers to make him fall backwards.

"Leader!" the minions yelled. Then they tried to attack the reincarnation of Evil with _Masculine Mini Minion Maximum Marvelous Metaphor Maker_! The attack failed and the reincarnation of Evil killed them both before eliminating Harry too.

Draco felt weird inside, like something was lost. Like the last hope of ever getting out of the Golden Game of Grotesque just was lost. He shook his head and instead tried to run after Future Bella. But he couldn't see her anywhere. He fell down on his knees and cried like an emo boy.

"Do not fear", a voice said. Draco shuddered because he had already heard loads of voices in his head and couldn't accept another one. "I am your father."

Draco gasped.

"I mean, I am your grandfather."

Draco relaxed a little bit. Then his grandfather patted him on the shoulder. Draco didn't look at him. He didn't need to. "Draco... do not fear the future or you will not be able to save your beloved one. But your fears have been confirmed Draco, the Master of T-rated Fan Fictions died in a heroic battle against the reincarnation of Evil."

"The Master of T-rated Fan Fictions?" Draco asked.

"Yes, your friend Harry was the Master of T-rated Fan Fictions", his grandfather said. Draco didn't point out that Harry wasn't his friend, the shock struck him too much. "But ten Masters remain. And you are one of them, Draco Malfoy."

Draco's eyes widened. Then they widened even more. Then they became large as lemons. Then they became large as melons. Then they became so large that they could barely fit in his face. "And what does this mean, grandfather?"

"It means that you are the Master of the Random Russian Dudes."


	5. Namnlös V: The Economic Safety Net

Past-Bella was very satisfied with herself for succeeding to please the reincarnation of Evil. Now the Master of T-rated Fan Fictions was dead and soon the other ten masters would meet this destiny. She wasn't even worried about what her past self as Hermione Granger was trying to do in those waves of time in the past. The Silver Trio was dead and the past Golden Trio had therefore lost its leader who was the Master of T-rated Fan Fictions. She wasn't worried about Ron Weasley.

Draco now knew that he was the Master of the Random Russian Dudes therefore he had a lot of power to use without his wand. He ran after Future Bella to continue his explanation of love when FIRE ELEMENTALS appeared!

"_Powerful Pink Psychic Pretentious Purple Paedophile Pressure Pencil_!" Draco yelled and used his powers to defeat the Fire Elementals but it failed! They used their flames to burn him then they transformed into a super fire elemental with powers of flaming death. "Oh no", Draco said. "I need the power of at least two Masters or we can't kill him!"

"_Someone's Stalking Season Sparkling Star Sensitivity Sacrificial Sodomy_!"A dark voice said and its power eliminated all fire elementals. Draco turned around and saw Edward Cullen standing right beside him with a whip that he surely only used for attacks... "Let us find my wife and daughter now!" Edward said. Draco was jealous for treasonous he didn't understand but he followed Edward. They found Future Bella fighting against WATER ELEMENTALS!

"_White Wishful Wandering Waves Worrying With Whispering Wildlife!_" Future Bella said and used her staff to defeat the water elementals but they were resurrected as dogs. "Don't kill them they might be Jacobs friends!" Future Bella said. But Edward was menstruating and not in a good mood so he used Someone's Stalking Season Sparkling Star Sensitivity Sacrificial Sodomy to destroy the dogs. Future Bella began to cry and Draco tried to comfort her but Edward pushed him away from her.

"Leave my wife alone you bitch!" Edward said. Then Draco punched him in the face and there was a bitch-fight. Future Bella tried to make them stop fighting but she secretly enjoyed that they were fighting over her. Edward slapped Draco across the face when suddenly a strange spirit appeared.

"There has not been any reviews", the strange spirit said. "Therefore we will just simply kill you all!"

Draco gasped and held Future Bella's hand. The strange spirit used its powers to kill Future Bella. Draco cried.

"You have my heart", Future Bella whispered while dying. Draco summoned a knife. "We will never be worlds apart Future Bella", he said and prepared to kill himself to be with her forever. Edward was sad too but this time he didn't stop them because he knew that they were all going to die.

"The reincarnation of Evil will be happy", the strange spirit said. "I managed to kill the Master of Mary Sues!" Draco gasped. "You were the Master of Mary Sues?" he whispered.

"I will prove it!" Future Bella suddenly yelled. "Because when the Masters shine they shine together!" She blinked to Draco. "I will be here forever and I will always be your friend."

The strange spirit used a dark attack and it hit Future Bella. She arose again. Then it began to rain inside the basement. "Now it's raining more than ever", Edward stated.

"It's okay you can stand under my umbrella", Draco said and summoned an umbrella. "It's my weapon but you can use it for private reasons too."

"You can stand under my umbrella", Edward repeated. His eyes were filled with tears. "Ella... Ella... eh... eh..."

"Yes, under my umbrella", Draco said.

"Whatever", the strange spirit said and killed them all.


	6. Namnlös VI: The Social Safety Net

**This is an epilogue or something lol.**

Now Past-Bella was very happy because now four masters were dead. The Master of the Random Russian Dudes (Draco Malfoy) died together with the Master of Sparkling Vampires (Edward Cullen) and the Master of Mary Sues (Bella Swan). And the Master of the T-rated Fan Fictions (Harry Potter) died together with his minions as the Silver Trio. Now only seven of the eleven masters remained! Past-Bella chuckled evilly and began to plan who she would invite to the House of Oprah now. Then she turned around and saw the reincarnation of Evil!

"I'm tired of your annoying laugh", the reincarnation of Evil said and killed Bella with an energy blast and she screamed before dying. "Please Dudley, clean up the mess." "Yes my lord", Dudley said and summoned a broom to clean up the dust with. "Who are you trusting to take care of the rest of the Masters?" "Some Masters are less important now", the reincarnation of Evil said. "I found out that the Master of the House of Oprah..." Dudley nodded. "Was sealed inside a portrait by the Master of the Game a long time ago", the reincarnation of Evil said. "Find that portrait and bring it to me so we can defeat that Master. It should not be too hard." Dudley said "all right". "I'm trusting someone else with the mission to find the other Masters and kill them", the reincarnation of Evil said. "Who?" Dudley asked. The reincarnation of Evil clapped his hands and Renesmee appeared! "Yeah I was evil all along", she said and laughed with cruelty and cheese. Then they all laughed evilly.

Draco's spirit was flying alongside Future Bella's. "I took an oath and now I will stick to it until the end", Draco said. "But isn't this the end?" Future Bella asked. "Of course not", Draco said. "There will be a sequel." Future Bella sighed but Draco took her hand. "When the sun shines we will shine together and if it rains more than ever then you can stand under my umbrella. That is, if Edward ever gives it back."

Random Russian Dude was rapping about liking girls with big butts because he cannot lie which was a shame because everyone loved the way he lied.

And in the end Edward did it with the umbrella and forced it not to tell Draco when he gave it back to him.

THE END


End file.
